Mother believes I am part of the War-on-Christmas. 

It's the kind of thing that would make Blenn Geck cry.

Immoral and Wrong

One thing that is very immoral and wrong is being kept out of karaoke night at the Houpeton Arms.  Seems the Leadhills Shoppe counterman, Mr. Stupidhead, has been spreading tales about me.  Now the lads and lasses are being deprived of hearing my resonant voice singing "I Will Survive". 

Well, if Mr. Stupidhead is going to treat me like a rat, I'll act like a rat.  Tomorrow I can be found at the Leadhills Shoppe, gnawing on their cheese.  WHO MOVED YOUR CHEESE NOW, BIG GUY?

Question for the Masses

What previous experience have you had with Bigfoot?

Cabbage Head has tried to kill me on four separate occasions. 

Poem for Cabbage Head

And now, at last,
hemorroids.

Finally
a real, literal
pain in the arse.

For so long
I had to make do
with you.

Sometimes I want to pretend that I'm going crazy.

Things That Must Not Be Mentioned in Front of Stanthony

Secretarial school
Brigham City, Utah
Shoes
Jellyfish
The third floor attic
Bad things
Officer Ditchburn  Badge 1742
Clowns
The moon landing
Loose leaf paper
Shadow Services
Dark foreboding forests
Toastmasters
Acting as a craft  (It's an ART)
Golf lessons
G. Paltrow
Birds
His student loans

Can someone please give me $84 worth of food?