You never really know someone until you get drunk and wreck their car.

A few people have begun to suspect Paltrow of insanity and criminal depravity.

I created Cabbage Head using only my mind.  He is my tulpa. 

Cabbage Head in one of his drug-induced rages.

I used to go to a self-help group for people with imaginary friends. It was several months before I realized that I was the only person there.

Even Dr. Paltrow wasn't real.

There are about 4 or 5 photos of Prince Charles, Queen Elizabeth, George Bush and Laura Bush in formal attire, all standing in front of the White House after a formal dinner waiting for their limos. They all look totally bizarre as if they were just drinking blood and gorging on flesh.

I am nervous and deeply upset.

Artisan Cheeses Found in the Leadhills Shoppe

• Isle of Mull
• Badentoy Blue
• Swinzie
• Alisa Craig
• Pentland (made in small quantities and not widely available)

They all taste good on crackers or gnawed straight off the counter.

Mother believes I am part of the War-on-Christmas. 

It's the kind of thing that would make Blenn Geck cry.

Immoral and Wrong

One thing that is very immoral and wrong is being kept out of karaoke night at the Houpeton Arms.  Seems the Leadhills Shoppe counterman, Mr. Stupidhead, has been spreading tales about me.  Now the lads and lasses are being deprived of hearing my resonant voice singing "I Will Survive". 

Well, if Mr. Stupidhead is going to treat me like a rat, I'll act like a rat.  Tomorrow I can be found at the Leadhills Shoppe, gnawing on their cheese.  WHO MOVED YOUR CHEESE NOW, BIG GUY?

Question for the Masses

What previous experience have you had with Bigfoot?

Cabbage Head has tried to kill me on four separate occasions. 

Poem for Cabbage Head

And now, at last,
hemorroids.

Finally
a real, literal
pain in the arse.

For so long
I had to make do
with you.

Sometimes I want to pretend that I'm going crazy.

Things That Must Not Be Mentioned in Front of Stanthony

Secretarial school
Brigham City, Utah
Shoes
Jellyfish
The third floor attic
Bad things
Officer Ditchburn  Badge 1742
Clowns
The moon landing
Loose leaf paper
Shadow Services
Dark foreboding forests
Toastmasters
Acting as a craft  (It's an ART)
Golf lessons
G. Paltrow
Birds
His student loans

Can someone please give me $84 worth of food?

Fresh stupidy!  It takes a village. A community exponentially increases the stupidy!

I came for the Paltrow.  I stay for the counterman and his big head like a giant babby.

A good strong board with nails in it will keep a counterman away from you for at least 7 minutes.

The counterman tried to engage in some witty repartee.  "Are you planning to buy anything, mate?" he said.

I already have a friend.  Officer Ditchburn.  Badge 1742.  I have no interest in chit-chat with some mine town sobby-wobby.

I used sign language to communicate that he should bugger off.

British Summer Time ends tonight.  This puts Great Britain a week ahead of the Americans.  Tomorrow it will be 1 November here in Leadhills. 

Still in the Shoppe.  The only calendars they have end on 31 December 2015.  No 2016  calendars.  This can only mean one of two things:
1.  Leadshill folk are Stupidheads.
2.  Unlike the Mayans, they actually DO know when the world will end.

Paltrow's middle name is Kate.

 



Cabbage Head gave me the heads up about G. Paltrow being in Leadhills so I've positioned myself in the Leadhills Shoppe by the Houpetown Arms.  I'm monitoring the situation. 

I'm going to take vodka to a lady I know and she's going to give me a partially complete creeper costume.  I'm getting the better end of the deal but I'll complain at her so she won't know.  It wouldn't do to let her know.

Stanthony's created another list.  I don't understand what he expects from me.   Is this for one of his scavenger hunts or things he's put on my credit card?

• Hawaii Five-0
• Go Big Red
• Thunder
• Springhill Jack

(this line intentionally left blank)

• Eviction notice
• Landmark Worldwide (any Scientologist in a pinch) (John Travolta?)
• Blood vendetta
• Tweezers
• Mojo
• Al
• Dobro
• Rumer Godden
• Father Earl
• 2% Potassium
• One or more fierce bad rabbits
• Damn ugly puppets
• Ice cream
• Picket line
• Talent scout
• Corn man is a-comin'

His behavior is becoming increasingly senseless. 

 

 

I made a nice friend today. 

 

I was lonely so I went outside to play sidewalk chalks.  I wore my clean t-shirt and my bolo tie and my cowboy boots so I would look approachable but I didn't wear my trousers because they don't readily lend themselves to the artistic experience. 

 

I arranged all the different colored chalks neatly on the lawn so other people could play with them.  I used the pink chalk and wrote a message in clear capital letters.

 

After a while a policeman came.  He showed me his badge and let me touch it.  He asked me all sorts of questions about myself.  That's how you get to know someone.  It was very good manners. 

 

His name is Officer Ditchburn.  His badge number is 1742.

 

I asked him if I could see him again and he reassured me that he will be keeping an eye on me and we might see lots of each other.  This was a good day.  I'm glad I made the effort to reach out to others.

Stanthony seems in good spirits.

Mother has proof I'm not insane but refuses to share that information with the court-ordered psychiatrist.  I bought two more toasters so that I can maintain the constant smell of slightly burnt bread.  It drives out her old lady stench.

I'm trying to get along with you people.